November

 What's the sitch, bitch? Sorry I've been away for so long, but christ almighty, this divorce is contentious. Anyways, I'm going to try and fill an entire month into one post.'

I'll start the month (Nov. 2-Nov. 24) where I left off- with the divorce. Going into it, I knew this would be no walk in the park, but this is ridiculous! Louie broke all of my shit in a fit of rage, and I may or may not have thrown a dresser drawer at him. I'm moving out, he's getting the house. Stupid pregnant bitch. 

Anyways, I'm apartment hunting now. If anyone has recommendations, comment them below, because I am sick and fucking tired of roach-infested curry holes. 

So I'm mid-apartment search when Thanksgiving rolls around. I just started a pescatarian diet, and my step-ma told us she's making a "traditional Thanksgiving dinner". Fuck my life. So I'm in the car, on my way to Claudia's. I'm smoking a cigarette, listening to 94.7 WCSX on the radio. Bachman-Turner Overdrive is blaring "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" and yes. It's true. I hadn't seen anything yet, and boy, was I gonna see somethin'. 

I pull into the driveway. Claudia abhors smoking, so I crush my cigarette out, and bring my deviled eggs in. I don't say anything, and head back to my car, where I chainsmoke the rest of my cigarettes. Soon, all of my family shows up. I can't stand those ornery Greek sons-of-bitches, but for the sake of context, I'll fill you in who was present. 

• Claudia (Stepmom)
• Victoria and her husband (my half-sister)
• Victoria's mom, Diane (Dad's ex-wife)
• Aunt Maxine (Dad's sister)
• Eddie (Aunt Maxine's boyfriend)
• My cousin Freddie and his wife, Wendy. 
• August, Ryan, and Bailey (Freddie's kids)
• My cousin Paulie (Freddie's sister)
• My cousin Shelly (Freddie's sister)
• Shelly's kids- Tyler, Olga, Frances, and Lindsay. 
• My ex-wife, ReAnn, and her husband Stan.
• My daughter, Ophelia.
• My cousin Barty, his wife Shania, and their baby Savannah (Dad's cousin)
• Aunt Laura, Uncle Dan, their son Tyler, and Tyler's life partner George (Dad's sister)

I take a seat at the table. Claudia refuses to serve alcohol in the house (remember, she was a suffragette, and pro-prohibition), so I'm jonesing for a drink. Thankfully, Barty sits next to me, and passes me his flask. Claudia brings out the food. Everyone digs in. I don't, I pick at one of Claudia's famous homemade rolls instead. Soon, the topic of the local election is brought up. Cousin Fred is a police officer, and die-hard Republican. Everyone else at the table (save for the rest of his family) is not. 3 gay people at the table, 2 people of color, and most of the people are blue-collar union people, who want shared wealth. Goddamnit, I hate Thanksgiving.

"Did everyone here vote?" Fred asked. Everyone sighs. Wendy paws his side. "Fred, please..." she mutters. ReAnn turns to him. "Can we find a more suitable dinner topic, please?" Fred shakes his head. "I just wanted to make sure everyone-" Tyler sighs. "Fred, you this is going to start an argument, right?" he asks. "Well, I'm not trying to start an argument, Tyler!"  he says. Claudia stands. "Can I get anyone a refill?" she asks. No one responds. She walks away. 

"Jesus Christ, if you all don't shut the fuck up, and enjoy this goddamn fuckin' family dinner, I will skin all of you alive!" seethes Victoria. Fred points at her, with a turkey bone in hand, and says "You watch your language in front of my kids, Vicky." I light a cigarette. "Shove it up your ass, junior," Barty mutters. Fred readjusts his pants. "Well I really think it was an abortion of justice that Whitmer got reelected, she's a real-" everyone sighs. "Can you just shut your mouth for one second, Freddie? Can you?" asks Aunt Maxine. Fred turns to her like a scorned child. "Ma! Not you! Not you, converted by these libtard-"I throw my hands up, sending the scraping of my roll flying. I scream. "Goddamnit! Shut the fuck up you fucking fucker! Shut your goddamn mouth!" Everyone turns to me. "Jesus, you fuckin' asshole! Nobody here agrees with you, so shut your fuckin' mouth!" Barty laughs. The baby cries. 

I walk outside to the backyard deck. As I shut the door, arguing picks back up.  There, I find Claudia, perched on the steps. A cigarette perched between her lips. "This family, Bombus. It's gonna be the death of me. They all argue, they all-" she sighs, forlorn. "I know. It's a family of assholes, Claudia," I say. She wipes her tears on her sleeve. "I just wanted a nice Thanksgiving...." she trails off. 

The rest of the day was so unremarkable, that I can't recount it. Well, truth be told, Barty and I slipped out to the deck, and finished that flask, so that's why I can't remember. Either way, fuck Thanksgiving, fuck apartment hunting, and fuck my family. 

Happy holidays!