My husband is a bastard. He fucked that fat whore, and I caught them in the act. It was horrible! I'm crushed! Well, I shouldn't act like I'm so innocent, but I'm in disbelief. I didn't think I'd be saying this again. Let me start from the beginning.
We met in 2017 at a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening the Saturday before Halloween. We fell in love. I thought he was the one. Boy was I wrong. I married Louie in 2018. Valentine's Day. I should've known better. My mother always said, don't marry on Valentine's Day, it only ends in tragedy. But there I was. 28 years old, bright eyed and bushy tailed. My whole life in front of me.
We had 4 years of bliss, and Louie even got pregnant! We were so excited! But behind closed doors? God...I wanted to slit that cocksucker's throat. Uggghh!! All he fucking did was eat, eat, eat! Goddamn fat ass crammed popcorn, Cheezits, Goobers, and (ugh) Good and Plenty's into his mouth. Nonstop! I'd understand it if he was pregnant, but this was BEFORE the baby! He was cramming food (and dicks) into his mouth like it was going out of style!
I'm getting off topic. What happened? What were all the dealings, blowies, and lies mentioned in the title?
OCTOBER 2ND, 2018
- I fucked the mailman. I know it's cliche, and I know it's wrong, but you should've SEEN the arms on that motherfucker. Mmmmm....
OCTOBER 18TH, 2018
- Louie fucked the mailman. He said he knew it's cliche, and that he knew it was wrong, but he said to me "you should've seen the arms on that motherfucker...mmmm"
JANUARY 5TH, 2019
- Louie got blackout drunk, and slept with my third cousin, Eddie. He was 22. He should've known better, and Louie just went out there and took my baby cousin's anal virginity.
FEBRUARY 1ST, 2019
- I slept with Louie's mom's best friend's husband
JULY 22ND, 2019
- Louie slept with my ex-wife, ReAnn Dawson
DECEMBER 24, 2019
- Louie went out at 8am, and gave 4 blowjobs for courtside tickets to a Pistons game
JANUARY 4TH, 2020
- Louie slept with my cousin Eddie again
APRIL 15TH, 2020
- Louie threw an entire cheese plate at my head
MAY 30TH, 2020
- I threw an entire fire extinguisher at Louie's head
JULY 2ND, 2020
- Louie slept with some asshole he met on Tinder
AUGUST 13TH, 2020
- I "sleep walked" and threw our tent into the river when we went camping with Louie still in it.
OCTOBER 5TH, 2020
- I was arrested for DUI, and Louie gave the police commissioner some sloppy for my release.
APRIL 3RD, 2021
- Louie slept with my cousin Eddie again
JUNE 11TH, 2021
- I slept with Dr. Dylan Danforth- gynecologist
DECEMBER 31ST, 2021
- Louie lost his job as lunch lady at Trillium Academy and threw an entire cheese plate at my head.
FEBRUARY 2ND, 2022
- Louie and I had a threesome with Carlos de Luga, but when I left the room to get more lube, Louie was fisting him without my consent.
MARCH 1ST, 2022
- I slept with Louie's grandad's friend, Walter Mackey.
MARCH 9TH, 2022
- Louie beat his own stomach while shoveling chocolate into his mouth, shouting "is this what you want?!" when I asked if he liked that I thought he was unattractive.
MARCH 11TH, 2022
- Louie slept with my cousin Eddie again
MARCH 20TH, 2022
- I slept with Danielle Munch, Louie's new personal trainer
MARCH 23RD, 2022
- Louie lost his mind, and beat my car with a barbell in a fit of rage. When I asked him what was wrong with him, he threw an entire cheese plate at my head.
MARCH 24TH, 2022
- I called him a "cunt" and wrote antagonistic messages on his mirrors with lipstick.
MARCH 25TH, 2022
- Carlos and I had sex by ourselves without Louie.
JULY 1ST, 2022
- I slept with several gentlemen at a masquerade ball I was invited to
AUGUST 30TH, 2022
- I ripped up sonograms of Louie and I's unborn child
SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2022
- I slept with a police officer (whom I will not name) working on Louie's case.
SEPTEMBER 25TH, 2022
- I burnt all of Louie's clothes
SEPTEMBER 28TH, 2022
- I slept with Louie's mom's best friend's son
SEPTEMBER 29TH, 2022
- I slept with Burt Berenstein, the benign beekeeper from around Belle Isle
SEPTEMBER 30TH, 2022
- I slept with Dan Coleman, pit barbeque master
OCTOBER 5TH, 2022
- I slept with Sally Sois, a seriously sexy Spanish sadist
OCTOBER 10TH, 2022
- I fucked a...mime.
OCTOBER 20TH, 2022
- I called Louie's mom a cunt, and drew all over her mirror with lipstick
OCTOBER 25TH, 2022
- I slept with Special Agent Thor Stromberg
OCTOBER 31ST, 2022
Louie threw his entire wheelchair at my head
And these are just a few instances. I am just, BEYOND with this asshole. Those are just the affairs and throwing things! Now I'll list lies, and indiscretions I wasn't told about until later.
MARCH 3RD, 2018
- I told Louie I'd give up drinking
JULY 10TH, 2018
- I told Louie I'd give up smoking
FEBRUARY 14TH, 2019
- Louie forgot our anniversary, and bullshitted his way into us having a meal at Red Lobster for Valentine's Day with 2 gifts, one if it was our anniversary, and one if it was Valentine's Day
JUNE 7TH, 2019
- Louie lost $4,000 online gambling
AUGUST 16TH, 2019
- I told Louie I'd give up drinking
DECEMBER 25TH, 2019
- Louie said he bought everyone their Christmas presents, but lost all of the money online gambling, went out and stole an Xbox, and got arrested on my dad's front lawn.
JANUARY 1ST, 2020
- Louie lied about all of his previous affairs and told me that I- "don't know what I'm talking about" and that I- "must be crazy or something", and that he was super faithful to me.
JANUARY 2ND, 2020
- I stabbed his Anime body pillow while he was at work and told him it "he doesn't know what he's talking about" and that he "must be crazy or something" and that I was super faithful to the body pillow.
APRIL 10TH, 2020
- I strangled him in my "sleep" and blamed our dog. We don't have a dog
MAY 22ND, 2020
- Louie lost $10,000 online gambling
JUNE 15TH, 2020
- Louie said he'd quit online gambling
JULY 10TH, 2020
- I told Louie I'd give up drinking
OCTOBER 31ST, 2020
- Louie told me that he passed out all of our Halloween candy, but my neighbor told me she saw him eat it through our kitchen window.
JANUARY 2ND, 2021
- Louie lost $2,500 of our 401K online gambling
FEBRUARY 6TH, 2021
- Louie said he won back the $2,500 and made $1,000 more.
MARCH 31ST, 2021
- I told Louie I loved him
AUGUST 4TH, 2021
- I told Louie his exercise was working and said these words: "You look so sexy, babe!"
NOVEMBER 23RD, 2021
- Louie said he'd cook Thanksgiving dinner this year, and never did.
FEBRUARY 19TH, 2022
- I told Louie I'd give up smoking
MARCH 3RD, 2022
- I told Louie I wanted kids
MARCH 5TH, 2022
- I told Louie I'd give up drinking
AUGUST 3RD, 2022
- I told Louie I'd give up smoking
AUGUST 5TH, 2022
- Louie told me he loved me, and that he "understands" why I smoke.
OCTOBER 31ST, 2022
- I told Louie that I gave up drinking and smoking, and that I hadn't had any affairs while he was out of commission
OCTOBER 31ST, 2022
- Louie finally found out that I lied about the previous lie and lied that he didn't care.
I think we rushed into a marriage based on Rocky Horror and didn't consider the details. If you take the Enneagram personality test, I'm an 8 (challenger) and he was a fucking 6 (guardian). I love Italian, French, and Thai food, and he loves American. His favorite movie is Hulk (2008) and mine is "Steel Magnolias". He likes Stone Temple Pilots, I like Britney. His favorite color is green, mine is red. The only thing we have in common is our love for musical theatre. I know people say opposites attract, but the only thing I was attracted to was his cock size. I forgot to mention that we fucked in a porter john after the Rocky Horror showing, and that's when I knew he was mine. I know all of these things sound trivial, but I think I rushed lust-first into a 5-year marriage that's gone nowhere. Right now, I don't know if I even want custody of that baby!
Well, I didn't mention the straw that broke the camel's back yet, so here we go. Ever since Louie was taken to the hospital, some fat pig nurse Hannah has been watching over him. She made eyes at him, and he at her. I pulled her aside, and said I'd personally ram a pitchfork up her twat if she ever makes one move towards him in a sexual way, and she said she understood. Well, I walk in on Sunday, and see that Louie is walking now, with the use of Cerebral Palsy crutches. Then, yesterday, I walk in dressed in my sexy Cowardly Lion outfit and see him pumping into that cow's vagina. I screamed and took his crutches away from him. I know, that's cruel. But seeing Nurse Hannah naked was even more cruel. We're both lawyering up. I'm taking this son of a bitch for everything he has, with Barty Goldstein on my side.
I know this post has been everywhere, but I'm in overdrive. I can't believe it's come to this, but it's what needs to happen. More updates to come.
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