As some of you may know, I have a daughter. And an ex-wife. She's a reaaaaal piece of work. Her name? ReAnn Dawson.
Her cup size? B. Her drink of choice? Miller Lite. Her cigarette of choice? Marlboro Reds. Her financial status? On welfare.
Why the fuck did I marry her?
Well, let's start at the beginning. It was 2006. I was 16. I was struggling really hard to find my identity. Was I gay? Was I straight? I mean, Christ, what porn to watch? Well, I was out at the roller rink, hey mister-ing an old woman for a pack of cigarettes and some Gentleman Jack. After receiving my hard-earned items, 18-year-old ReAnn Dawson strolled down the street. Tits bouncing in a tight white tank top, black cargo shorts filled to the brim with bottles of pills, and large white New Balance shoes. My kind of girl.
I sat down outside of the roller rink, light a cigarette, and took a swig of whiskey. As she passed on by, I whistled, and she laughed. "Shouldn't you be in school, honey?" she asked. "It's Saturday. How high are you right now?" I asked, laughing. "Shiiiit..." she said. We sat and talked for hours and hours, and she gave me her number (and some OxyContin). Not to give too much information, but I must've jerked off five times that night, Christ.
The next day, I told my mom Loretta, all about ReAnn. I told her where ReAnn said she was staying, and my mother went and kicked her ass. Curb stomped her outside of a Motel 6 and left her ass to bleed out. When I found out, I cried for days. My mother told me never to see that "whore" again. That she was too old. She was too trashy.
It was 2 years later, I was WORKING at that arcade, and stepped outside for a smoke, when I saw a familiar pair of tits bounce down the street. I whipped around and saw ReAnn. Holy shit, her veneers were the worst I'd ever seen. Too small for her mouth, looked like baby teeth. "Oh, my lord! Bombus, how are you?" she asked. I was appalled and turned on. We fucked in the ball pit at the arcade that night. We shared a spliff and talked afterwards. "So, was I your first?" she asked. I lied and told her yes. I actually lost my virginity to an Elvis impersonator during the family trip to Las Vegas the year prior. Then, we were going steady. We got married later that year.
In 2007, we had our daughter, Ophelia. God bless her soul. Well, he should. I pay $200 a goddamn month for her sorry ass. Well, why don't we get into her life?
ReAnn was born in the bayous of Taylor Michigan. Spawn of a prostitute and whore and brought up in a trailer. Her daddy wasn't there, and her mama- Booboo Pullman- blew her brains out in 1990. She fell into the care of her grandparents, Lulu and David. Two amazing, strait-laced, God-fearing people. Sadly, David passed in 2008, and Lulu's still kicking at 82 today.
Lulu's parents were even better, if that's possible. Janice and Carlton Banks, from Kansas City MO. They were rich, charitable, God-fearing, and loving. They both lived long lives and passed away in 2020 and 2017 respectively. Their son, Hank (Lulu's twin brother) is still alive. He's fucking weird, in my opinion. He has not had a romantic partner in his 82 years of life. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but he acts so weird and lonely at family functions. Creeps me the hell out.
Now, on David's side of the family, my favorite. They're a goddamn hot mess. David's mom and dad, Christine and Powers Pullman, were rich, powerful people. Christine was from England and had a Downton Abbey accent. I just ate that up. Just passed away last year at 101, God rest her soul. Powers was a twat, but I loved him. Died in 2010 from a stroke, just shy of his 100th birthday.
But David's sister? My CHRIST. Her name was Cecilia Pullman, but everyone called her CeCe. When I met her, she was 64, but she didn't look at day over 50. She was married 9 times, each to a man more absurd than the other.
- The first was when she was 18, in 1960, to Lt. Col. Christopher Vonnegut, a WWII veteran with severe PTSD, who was 18 years her senior. Their marriage lasted 10 years, and produced kids Barbara, Frank, and Ike. Vonnegut was a tall, muscular, serious man. He had a clean-shaven face, crew cut, and smoked Lucky Strike cigarettes like they were going out of style. He died in 1982 in a car accident.
- Her second was when she was 29, in 1971, to oil baron, Red Forrester, who was 39 years her senior. He died a year into their marriage, and they had one son, Patrick. Forrester was small, jovial, and had a cheery face. He was a teetotaler and read the Bible every night. He was also a notorious racist, and ruthless businessman.
- Her third was when she was 31, in 1973, to David Garrison, a photographer for a gay BDSM magazine, who was 1 year her senior. They had one daughter, Beatrix "BeBe" Garrison. They divorced in 1976, after he came out as gay. He was tall, slender, and delicate. He's also reportedly well endowed. He contracted HIV in 1982 but has been taking medication to keep it under wraps, and is doing well.
- Her fourth was to TV actor, Coleman Pike, 21 years her senior. He was a drunk and beat her on a consistent basis. Naturally, she was also a drunk, and beat him on a consistent basis, too. They divorced in 1980 so she could marry the producer on his soap opera, Francis Shupe. Pike drank his way into anonymity and lost all his projects. Pike killed himself in 1990 after he took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. He was a classic handsome Hollywood man, in the vein of Rock Hudson. He wore turtlenecks and drank brandy but was also very melodramatic. He was known to have dramatic bouts and was very vain.
- Her fifth was to Shupe, in 1981. He was 8 years her senior. Their marriage was uneventful, and produced daughter, Olivia (we'll get back to her). They were married nine years and divorced amicably in 1990. Shupe was a frumpy Peter Sellers-type man. A wine-and-cigarettes guy that wore glasses, had a small dick, and slept with his secretary frequently. He's also quite the comedian and was known to do open-mic nights.
- Her 6th (and my favorite) was in 1991, to ex-Guatemalan ambassador to the United States, Eduardo de la Corazon, who was 43 years her senior. The marriage was annulled the same year. He was ancient, and always wore his WWI uniform. He always talked of his days in battle, and particularly held disdain for Italian soldiers. He was reportedly very good friends with Dwight Eisenhower and had a very poorly doctored photo of the both of them. de la Corazon died in 1994, at age 95, from being old as fuck.
- Her 7th was in 1993, to physics professor, Reed Riehle, who was the same age as CeCe. He mysteriously died in 1998 after falling down the stairs and breaking his head open. She was so distraught that she got re-married later that year, and happily collected the $450,000 life insurance policy on Riehle. Reed was a Paul Newman-type handsome man with historically brittle bones. He drank ONLY beer, smoke 4 packs a day, and was 6'9.
- Her 8th was to the controversial Horace Bradley, a known sexual deviant in the area. He was 5 years her senior but looked 20. They were married just under a year. Horace is a short fat man that passed out Hustlers and butterfly knives at family reunions. He smoked a pipe and drank black coffee. He watched countless hours of TV, and particularly loved Taxi.
- Her 9th and final were to Don Reese, an animal psychologist 2 years her senior. He is batshit crazy, and keeps pigs, chickens, baby deer, and rabbits in the breezeway of he and CeCe's home. He drinks socially- and is a very social man- and abhors smoking. He doesn't own a smartphone, but online gambles on the 2005 Dell computer he owns.
Thankfully, Barbara, Frank, and Ike didn't follow in their mother's footsteps. Barbara married her highschool sweetheart in 1981, Frank married his in 1987, but they divorced in 2009. He married a WAY younger lady, but just remarried once. Ike married his best friend, Paula in 1994.
Patrick married his life partner, Tyler in 2016, but divorced in 2022.
BeBe married her husband, Armand, but both sadly perished in a plane crash over the Amazon in 1994.
But Olivia? Oh...Olivia. Got the whore gene.
- Her first husband was Uli Korazyciyk, a Ukrainian drug addict. They married when Olivia was 18, and Uli was 27. He was abusive, and constantly on coke. These actions resulted in their divorce in 2003, and Uli's death in 2010 from a cocaine overdose. He looked 40 in 2003, with constant 5 o'clock shadow, and a cigarette constantly hanging from his mouth. He always wore a blue tracksuit, and red beanie. He beat EVERYONE in sight- from Olivia to the mailman, to the dog.
- Her second was to aspiring R&B singer, Quincy Jackson in 2004- when Jackson was 44. He was a time-capsule from 1987, with a Jheri curl, large, loud clothing, and goatee. He also had a coke habit and was an angry drunk. He had a venomous hatred for women, so naturally, he married 14 times. Jackson died while they were still married from a cocaine overdose.
- Her third was in 2007 to Horace Bradley, her mother's 8th husband. We all know about him already, but Horace picked up a nasty coke habit from Olivia, which he still struggles with. Horace met Olivia at a family reunion. They really had an uneventful and short marriage, as they divorced in 2010
- Her fourth marriage came in 2011, when Olivia married mentally challenged grocery bagger, Adam Blackman. Blackman had an IQ of 89 and worked at the local Meijer. He was an avid comic book collector, and DC comic fan. Sadly, Adam died of a cocaine overdose in 2013, after he and Olivia divorced.
- She got hitched a fifth time in 2014, when she married geriatric life insurance salesman Ike Ikerman. Ikerman was an old-fashioned kind of guy, who drank like a fish, ate ONLY red meat, and smoked like a bear. He and Olivia met when he performed a seminar at her high school in 1998. She found his number when she was cleaning out her childhood bedroom and decided to give him a call. Sadly, they were literal opposites- he wanted her to stay home, and she wanted him to retire. They divorced in 2016, and he died of a cocaine overdose the next year.
- Her current marriage is to bait salesman Gary Walters. Despite his dumb profession, Gary is quite rich, as he's the only bait salesman in the area he lives in. Gary is quite a worldly man; he has a white month (like the Swiss) becuase he's such a heavy drinker and drug user. Due to his knowledge that practically all of Olivia's exes have died from cocaine overdoses. Gary's an avid psychadelic drug fan and LOVES his snake whiskey. He summers in Thailand, he winters in Alsace-Lorraine, he springs in Montenegro, and falls in Maine.
Comments
Post a Comment