Mom and Dad: The People Who Molded Me into The Person I Am Today

My mom and dad have always been important people in my life. But, if I'm being honest, they're both fuckups. Today, I'll be discussing both of them, and deciding who I think is the better parent. 

My momma, Loretta (1962-) is a tough broad born and raised in Key West. Her side of the family is Russian, Swedish, and English. I never met my mom's parents, or in my grandfather's case, I don't remember. Her mom died in a car crash in '76, and her daddy died when I was two from what the coroner said was "starvation". If I'm being honest, my mom's side of the family is really gross. My grandmother's sister's kids all fuck each other. I know. Why am I sharing this? 

Anyways, they all fuck each other on Aunt Serafina's house. Mom grew up quick, and she grew up mean, her fists got hard, and her wits got keen. She's no nonsense, she'll slap the shit out of you for minor infractions, and she makes one hell of a shoofly pie. From the time she was 18, she was a truck stop waitress. That's where she met my dad. 

My dad, Demetrius (1945-2022) was a mean cocksucker, who was as Greek as he was drunk. In his neighborhood in Detroit, he was local strongman that could rip phone books in half with his bare hands. His family is Greek, Hungarian, Romanian, and Jewish, but his parents and grandparents were Greek as all hell. 

His family's a little silly. They're pretty nondescript "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" type people. all save for my cousin, Barty Goldstein. Barty's a 94-year-old retired divorce attorney, ex-Jew, and married to a 34-year-old black stripper from LA. He has 2-year-old at home, he's fucking insane. I LOVE him. I was with him when I lost my virginity! If you remember from my wife's family's post, I lost it to an Elvis Impersonator in Las Vegas, with him in the room with some whore. My dad's side of the family, besides Barty, is pretty plain. 

My daddy walked into that truck stop in 1980 with one purpose: to GET OFF! Well, he did. He was 6'5, 200 pounds of muscle, with his strong, Greek arms covered in hair, a gold chain around his neck, cowboy boots, bootcut jeans, and red flannel long-sleeve. He also always had a beard, and long flowing hair. My mother must've creamed her jeans right there. She was tiny, 5'2, red frizzy hair, pale skin. They fucked in the bathroom, resulting in my brother, Demetrius Jr. in 1981. 

Then came Lysandra (1983), Frankie (1986), Kathy (1988), and me (1990). They were...not great parents. Dad hit ma a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Although I have great memories with both of them (which I'll list below), he was a cocksucker to everyone. He drank a case of beer a night. and smoked a pack a day. Thankfully, I don't get anything from him.

But instead of looking back on the fucked up memories, I'll reminisce on the good ones. 

My mom: 

• In 1997, I was at a Spirit Halloween in Ft. Lauderdale. I was browsing in one section of costumes, when an older man grabbed my arm, and tried to unfasten my pants. My mother, upon seeing me, beat the man to a pulp in the aisle. She took me to get an ice cream afterwards. I don't know why that is a good memory...
• Also in 1997, she remarried to my darling stepfather, Bob Taylor. I was the ring bearer, and I had a lot of fun at the wedding reception. 
• In 2004, I was caught jerking off... oh that's not a good memory either...
• Oh! She took me to a Britney Spears concert in 2002!
• She was the one who picked me up when I was released from prison in 2015. We had some flapjacks, and she hugged me. 

I guess that's it. I love my ma, but I don't love the things she does. She's a fucking bitch! But she's my fucking bitch, and if I catch anyone saying a bad word about her, I'll fuckin' kill 'em. 

My dad:

• Making blanket forts in the 90s
• Ummm....family road trip in '04? No, he got arrested for DUI in Texarkana...
• He took me to a No Doubt concert in 2000, but that was just to see his mistress... the concert was good, though!
• Ummm...
• Umm...

That's it! My dad was an asshole and will always be. He and mom got divorced in 1992, and Dad remarried the... I don't even know what to call her- reanimated, yes that's it, the reanimated version of my great-great grandmother (on my mother's side), Claudia LaRue. I have a post about her, and all the shit she's up to. He got amnesia after a coconut fell on him during a vacation to Hawaii, and he walked onto the highway, where he was flattened by a Mack truck. Good riddance. 

I really love my stepdad. Bob is the best! I love him, I can rattle off tons of good memories about him:

• I went deep-sea fishing with him in 2005
• He, mom, and I went camping every year from 1998 to 2008 (I guess that could be a mom memory too)
• He went to ALL of my high school musical productions- his favorite was when I was Prof. Harold Hill in the 2006 production of "The Music Man"
• We went to see Nine Inch Nails in 2004, and went to get a pizza pie afterwards
• For my 21st birthday, he funded a 10-person trip to Las Vegas. The guests were: Bob, me, Barty, Kathy, ReAnn, ReAnn's great aunt CeCe, my best friend Opa Louise, my Aunt Chris, my cousin Shelly, and Shelly's husband, Sam. 
• In 2000, we all went to Washington DC where Bob's sister Sweetie lived, and Sweetie and Bob took me on a presidential tour of DC (I was super into presidents when I was younger)
• In 2018, Bob was the best man at my goddamn wedding!

He's funny, but he's a serious man. He doesn't drink, or smoke, or swear, but somehow, tells FILTHY jokes. FILTHY! He swears only in those filthy, filthy, DISGUSTING jokes. God bless him. 

But if I could do it all over again? I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood, as it has made me the person I am today. I know it sounds like I'm shitting all over my mom and dad, but I really love my mom. I think she would've had a better life if she didn't have to start working at such a young age, and if she hadn't met my dad. She burnt really bad by dad, and he did a lot of lasting damage to her. But Bob has thankfully undone a lot of that. Like I said at the beginning, I'm deciding who the better parent is, and it's obviously my mom. Love you, ma!  Comment if you just want a Bob appreciation post!